well, this is a surprise

It was nice talking to you today. It really was.

we all have something that digs at us

Its early mornings like this that makes me thing- 'What could have happened?'

I don't really understand why I still think that, I shouldn't. I don't want to. Your everything I don't need; your everything that could destroy me. But I think of all those old times, when you were well, you were you. But I realized, those old times are over. Me and you, we're over. And I'm starting to realize its better that way.

I'm happy again, I'm okay. And I know I'll keep being okay. No matter how much I think about it, I know its the best thing. I'm opening up new chapters in my life, and I'm almost glad to say your not in any of them. Maybe someday along the road we'll talk again, be friends. Who knows, who really cares? I don't, and that's fine.

I'm serious this time.

interlude

It seems I'm losing a handle on my life lately.

I hate rumors and how things get twisted so badly.

i'm coming down, bring me up

The last time I remember being this happy was in June. It all seems so long ago. Sometimes I'll think about it and I don't even know what happened. Everything was just together back then, and then it all fell apart. Sometimes the memories come flooding back, and I'm not quite sure why. I wonder if they flood back for you too. That'd be nice if they did, so I'd know I'm not the only one who misses it.

Sometimes I tell myself we should just be together again, that we'd be great together. But, I know that's not how it would work. We're different now; Like oil and water. We'd never work, no matter how hard either of us tried. So I let go, I let go of everything holding me to you, and I guess it worked. Sometimes I'm not over it still- I never put so much of myself into someone until I met you. I still don't think that part of me is fully back, maybe you'll hold onto it forever, or maybe you'll just throw it back to me and get rid of anything that makes you remember me. Who knows.


All I know now, is that I'm happy. And being happy without you is almost better than being happy with you. Almost.

here's to the future, never getting older

Life's just kindof...happening lately.

Usually I've been really good and everything, but I still get those lows sometimes. Hopefully everything just keeps going well, I could use a break from living a crazy hectic life.

midnight on the mediterranean

Everything is just kindof flowing lately. There's a few bumps in the road, but hey, I'm happy, even when things are bad. I've grown up a lot lately, and I figured out what I need to do to just feel good. I still make mistakes, everyone does obviously, but I'm starting to learn from them. I just hope life just stays like this for a little while. No need to rush back to being unstable

we're seperate; diving further

I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything is getting so much harder this year. I fuck up constantly, I just don't know how to get myself on the right track anymore. I mean, I'm always with a good group of people, I don't drink or smoke or anything. But when it comes to being home and stuff, I just hate going home. My home life has gotten so bad lately, and I want it to get better, but I don't even know if its even worth it anymore. In two years I'll be out and in college, but I don't think I can wait that long. I just want to get out and have freedom. Isn't this the time where I should be getting that? I know I'm not 18 yet, but still, I have about as much freedom as an 11 year old. I just don't know. Ever since Justin broke up with me, everythings just harder. And I want it to get better.

maybe i'll paint them in myself

I thought about it today. I mean really, really thought about it. And I have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. Things need to change.

if blood is thicker than water

I'm letting myself go. I'm going to try not to care anymore. Maybe, just maybe, this will work.

open your eyes to a brand new season

Your bad news bears. I need to get over you.

But I'm actually looking forward to autumn and winter. I need a change of scenery. Maybe everything will just get better, you know?

this sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting everytime

I'm not sure what makes me miss you. Maybe its how I remember your arms around me or all those days we spent together. Its getting colder now, and I feel like somethings missing- your missing. I know nothing will ever happen again, but I just can't help but wishing something will.

I mean, there's periods of time where I don't think about you and I don't miss you at all, but then all of a sudden, I just start thinking about you; thinking about us and what we used to have. I replay all the memories in my head, and I just can't stop thinking if that will ever happen again. Knowing my luck, it won't. And I know it shouldn't happen, you've changed to much, your a person I don't even know anymore. It seems all you care about now is being cool and having sex and girls all over you. I don't know what happened to you, I just wish it didn't. But there's still some times where I can see the old you, the person I know, maybe that's what makes me miss you.

fuck this

I can't believe I ever fell for you and I can't believe I still want to be with you.

Fuck you asshole

i hate to say, you're so much more, you're so much more

Sometimes I can't help but miss you. I don't understand why all these feelings are flooding back when I thought they were gone. I mean, I really thought they were gone this time since you treat me like shit and completely hate me. I don't know, but they need to go away again

there is no parasol that could shelter this weather

School was actually alright. It was awkward when I saw him though, but I realized I don't need someone who wants to treat me like shit. But all in all, school was really good, and I'm glad I got to see people I've hardly seen this summer, and I have pretty good classes too. So school is least of my worries.

I've noticed lately that my feelings confuse me so much. I don't know what to make of them anymore. Ever since my feelings for him started fading away little by little, I've had feelings for other people, but I don't think anything will come from them. I don't know if I want anything to come from them. Maybe I'm not ready for anything else, maybe be being alone is good for me. I want to be alone, but then again I don't. Its just nice to have feelings for someone who cares and likes you as much as you like and care about them. But I won't settle for just anyone.

This could take a while...