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Everything reminds me of him, wtf. I hate this feeling

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Everyone's a letdown

Dead

I've never felt this way in my life. I seriously feel like I could die at any moment. I have no emotion whatsoever besides being miserable. Whenever I think about it I literally feel sick to my stomach, like I'm gonna pass out or throw up or something. Who breaks up with you after saying 'I love you and I don't want to break up', but then ten minutes later changes their mind.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I put way too much of myself into the relationship, that I never know how I'm gonna feel whole again. I sound so cliche and stupid, because this is all over a boy, but I don't think I ever loved anyone that much.

I just hate everything

I hate this

I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay with you out, but I know I'm lying to myself

This entry is dead

Its finally summer. Maybe now everything won't stress me out. I can finally relax and not have to deal with shit that I really don't care about. I'll be at my favorite place in the world in nine days, and then when I get back I'll just spend a lot of time with Justin probably, and maybe he'll even come down to visit me when I'm gone (: Since I'll be gone pretty much all of July, including his birthday. But he did promise he'd come down at least once for a few days, which makes me really happy. I just hope nothing bad happens before that, ya know?

I like how I had no intentions to turn this blog into one about my boyfriend, yet I did.

^ At my favorite place in the world

Ups & downs

I can't take this shit anymore, I'm continuously up and down. I hate this rollar coaster. And depsite all the downs, I'm usually up, but not anymore.

Finally

Everything is getting so much better

Surprise, Surprise

I'm completely content with my life again.
Everything has just gotten better, well, almost everything. Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I spent all day with my best friend since it was his birthday; Then out of nowhere, someone who I thought hated me more than anything and wanted nothing to do with me anymore, texted me, saying we should stop the awkward in person shit. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. This person hasn't been in my life for what, seven months? But now everything just seems better. Now I don't have problems with anymore and I have someone to talk to about stuff, since he knows me and gives some mucho great advice.

Now all I need is to just work on one aspect of my life, and I should be good.

In Fear & Faith

I have great friends, an obnoxiously great boyfriend, and a pretty good family. But it seems that I'm pushing them away just because I'm stupid sometimes. I shouldn't feel like this when my life is so great, ya know? But I still do and I hate it.

I just wanna go back to being the happiest I ever was.

Even though it was only a few weeks ago, it seems like its been forever. And I don't want it to seem like forever. I want to be happy now.

And ya know what else? I miss the old days, where everyone got along, and there was no hate, and everything was just so together. Since January it hasn't felt like that. I'm just getting more distant from the people that I used to be so close with. Like one person I'm okay with not being close with anymore ; He would just fuck up my life, and I don't need that. But like my old best friends, I just want them back. They meant everything to me and now it seems like I've changed, and they've changed. Some of them have moved and others have just gotten distant, and we hardly even talk anymore. Man, last year was so much easier. It seems the only good thing about this year is Justin. He just makes it easier when I feel bad about everything.

But who knows, I'll just have to take life as it comes at me.

It just is

I haven't written in a while. I don't really know what to say.

Everythings falling apart all over again. I mean everythings going fine, but it all seems to be falling apart. Who knows, maybe I'm just a pesstimist. School just needs to get over with and then maybe everything can be okay again, so I can really focus on stuff. I don't want everything to fall apart, then I'd fall apart. I don't even know, I just need to know everything will be okay.

I mean I know it will be, but I just can't help but wonder 'what if', but I do that about everything, so its just me being 'emo' again, as Justin would say.

I'm just so stressed lately, and its not even time for finals. Everything is stressing me out; friends, my boyfriend, school, and just people that I don't even know. Isn't it great?

But it'll get better soon, I know it.

The Past is Dead

Finally, the past is dead. All the pointless shit, the fights and everything is over. There's no need to bring anything up anymore. The words have been said and actions have been done, and none of it even matters anymore. Everyone can finally get over everything, and forget about it. Thank god too, I don't need any of it in my life. And I'm glad all the hard feelings are gone.

All of the unwanted stuff that no one wants to deal with won't have to be dealt with anymore. Everything is finally at peace. Everyone has moved on, made amends, and is finally done with it.

Maybe now things will get back to normal.

Memories

Ya know those things that you want to forget so badly, yet you can't? Yeah, everyone has those. I have a few I wish that could just get out of my head. They make me think about the past, and I just wanna get over with it. And the same even with people I know, like how people can remember everything. I just want all those memories to go away, just so I can finally get on with now. I mean seriously, I'm so sick of having to remember things that I really just want to get out of my head, I don't need it at all. It just brings up bad memories, and starts unwanted shit. I've moved on and everything, sometimes I just wish I could erase my brain and some other peoples brains.

Complications

Last night, was one of the worst nights of my life. I honestly had no idea what was happening. Within minutes I lost someone that I needed. I never knew I could feel like that, I couldn't control myself whatsoever. I know its cliché and every girl says it, but I didn't know what to do, my heart was completely broken. And today in school, everyone stared and me, and if anyone said the littlest thing about him, I would start crying. I could hardly say his name, let alone face him. I know I'm acting all dramatic, and this is on a public blog, but who cares, I bet no one even reads it. But I don't even know, everything in my life just complicated at that moment last night. I didn't know why someone who apparently loved me and cared about me, who still said it, even though it was over would do that, if they really meant it, ya know?

But then when I least expected it, when I was over his house, he wanted to get back together with me. I have no idea why, it just seems like I complicate his life with all my friend drama, and everything that bothers me. But all I know is that I'm lucky, I thought I lost something, but I didn't. I feel like the luckiest person ever actually, and I'm glad that everything is back to normal. And I hope its like this for a while.

Now I know not to take things for granted.

And hopefully I'll be the happiest person ever again.

Distracting myself

Lately everythings been a blur. Everything is pretty much going great, ya know, minus fighting with people I love. Today I realized that I really can't stand half the people I know / have heard of. Seriously, I never realized how full of dislike I am. I'm so sick of everyone bitching about everything to everyone, even though I do that sometimes, who knows, maybe I can't stand myself. And then there's those certain people who I would do anything to get them out of my life. One of them I know like the back of my hand, probably more than anyone knows them, and they just literally make me sick with how fucked up he is. The other I hardly know, I just hear stuff about them and see what they try to do to me. I hate it so much. Everything just needs to go back to normal, like when I didn't feel so hateful against everyone else. But it'll probably be better soon, who knows, I'm just wishing for it. But I'll stop bitching, so I won't be a complete hypocrite.

Hey, but at least I have some of those great people who I love more than anything. Without them, I'd be insane, completely and totally insane.

Lazy Sunday

I'm never good at expressing myself or anything through writing, and I have no idea why I'm trying on a public blog, not for attention or anything, but who knows. Everything is getting all complicated again. Life is still great and I'm happy, but I just wanna change somethings, ya know? I just wish I wouldn't be so paranoid about things from the past still. I need to learn how to trust people and not care anymore, because I'm at a great point in my life and I know other people aren't going to get in the way of what I have now. I just wish things could be a little different and that some things never happened, for me and for other people.

Ocean air

I just wanna feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the ocean air. I just need to get out of this town and get my ass to Madison.

Lets start over

Everythings changing, when I say everything I mean everything.

I'm done not being able to show my emotions in the right way. I'm done being walked all over because I'm nice to pretty much anyone, and I'm glad. I'm done with the past and everything that happened. And I've finally realized the mistakes I made have actually helped me, and I don't hate myself for then anymore. And now, even though some things are complicated, and there's some people who just need to learn to stop getting into my life, I'm okay with it, everything finally seems perfect again.

And wanna know what else,

You know that feeling when your the happiest person ever?

Well, that's the feeling I have now.

Finally.

New account

New new new new new account, yeap