oh gosh

These past couple of days I've been the happiest I've been since June. And its all because of you. I don't think you know how happy you've made me lately.

I've been spending alot of time with Brandon and you and everyone else lately, and I like it. I've been dying laughing for the past three days and I like being carefree and happy. Its the best feeling.

Hopefully everything goes my way for the next couple of weeks or months. I just like this happy feeling I have.

(:

You make me so happy. C:

no Christmas spirit

Its Christmas and it doesn't feel like it at all.

I don't know why. BUT I did get what I wanted. A shiny new Nintendo DSi. And shoes, lots and lots of shoes. Hopefully it'll start feeling like Christmas soon.

untitled

Today was a good day.
I saw some friends and reunited with some old ones.

I'm ready for the rest of the weekend

fuck highschool

Fuck everyone in RHS.
Everyone but Brandon.
And a few others.



I'm so thankful for my friends that aren't RHS students.

bff

Thats me and my bestfriend

wind and the rain smell of oil and octane mixed with stale gasoline

School is school.
Life is life.

My life, pretty boring lately.
I need some excitement.

miracle sun, stay with me tonight

I'm feeling so much better today, just a lil sleepy, but that's okay. I'm hoping someone will come over tonight and keep me company since I'll be home alone yet again. Things are getting better again and I'm getting happier, maybe its just because the holidays are coming up, maybe its because things are just falling into place.

Now all I want is a nice cute boy to come into the picture. I know I don't need anyone, but having someone will be nice.

get me this for Christmas

untitled

I've been out of school for the past two days and I'm not allowed to go back until Monday. I'm going to be so behind and I can't be. I can't fail again. Thursday is Thanksgiving and I'm excited for it. I'm also excited for Christmas even though its in a month. I'm just hoping everything comes back together sometime soon. Everything just needs to fall in place and I'll be happy.

adsf

I don't fucking know. I miss having someone again. Fuck winter.

l i f e

I'm so happy lately. Everything is going right for the time being. Now all I need is my phone back, I miss having that thing all the time.

I have a job interview at Pac Sun tomorrow and I'm actually excited, I need a job so bad and I've been putting off getting one for so long. Hopefully I actually get the job, that would be great, I would actually have money and be able to buy things for once. If I get the job, all I have to do now is actually start putting in an effort at school, so I can actually pass and graduate when I'm supposed to. I would hate having to stay longer at RHS than needed.

But all in all, life is good.

i cant think of a title

I like that little things don't bother me anymore. At first they eat away a little bit, but then I think about it, and I just don't care anymore. I like this carefree style.

too bad you can't stop me now

Life is still just...happening. But I guess its alright with me. I figured out its going to take time for life to get where I want it to be, and that doesn't bother me. I'm happy to just sit back and relax and just see what happens. Its weird though, usually I'm not like this, I usually want to know whats going to happen, but lately, I just don't care whats going to happen. I'm ready for it, and I'm happy.

somebody give me a sign

I feel like something good is going to happen soon.

nice girls

Its sad how some people are so pretty on the outside, but are completely ugly on the inside. The world would be so much better if people could just learn how to be nice. And not just when they need something.

I've been thinking alot lately, I know I'm not the nicest person, but lately, I've been trying to be nicer, I don't want to be known as a bitch or anything. And I don't need karma to get me at the worst possible moment. I look at every girl from my high school, and realize that we're all bitches, we don't know how to be nice, even to our friends. We all think that we're better than everyone else and that everyone wants to be like us, but really, its not like that at all. This year I need to stop being a bitch, I don't want to end up like every other girl I know. I don't want to be like any of them, I just want to be myself, I just want to be nice. Maybe some other people will start being nice too. High school is way to full of bitches.

what are you made of?

I'm just so happy today.

Its so beautiful out and things are going good.

you can hear the waves in under water caves

Everyones such a let down lately. Right now I wish I could go back to when things were simple. Back before him. It seems that's what messed me up this year, that's what made me look like an idiot. I mean I know how I acted, and I really wish I didn't. But everyone just judges so harshly on it. I didn't mean to fall in love, I didn't mean to get heartbroken and act crazy. Its the past though, I need to live with it. It seems there's only about three people that don't care anymore. Maybe one or two that didn't care in the first place, but still. When will this all blow over? Its starting to seem like it never will.

I hate junior year, I feel like everythings just harder this year. School counts more than ever and I'm doing horribly this year. I know I can do better, I know I have to do better. If I don't I'll probably never amount to anything, and I don't want that for myself. I just need to start doing better.

Everything needs to start getting better.

such a good night.

happiness

I love being happy and just not caring. That's how I am these day. I wouldn't trade anything for it. I finally feel like everything is going right. Sometimes I feel like its not, but when I look at the whole picture everything is perfect it seems. I really hope it stays like this for a long time.

sit back and wave through the daylight

Memories came flooding back to me today and for the first time I just pushed them back out of my head. Honestly, I don't even care anymore and its great. A month ago I wanted to go back in time and change anything, now I would hate to have to go back, everything is just better now. I mean sometimes I catch myself missing some things, but it doesn't really matter does it? It all happened this way for a reason.

Anyways, I'm just so ready for whats coming up these days, whatever that may be.

there's a bright light up ahead

So last night I went to see Where the Wild Things Are, and I thought it was really good, it was different from the book, but still, so so good. This morning I had PSATS, and knowing me I probably failed, at least they don't really count for anything. I'm not looking forward to the SATS in May, its months away, but its still stressing me out.

But things for the most part are still pretty good, except for one thing, but hey, thats alright.

lets have some fun and never change that for anyone

I'm going to see Where the Wild Things Are tomorrow, I'm really excited. And everything is still going really good suprisingly. I have PSATS on Saturday, I'm not excited for those. I feel like I'm going to fail miserably, but maybe I won't, who knows.

Besides all that, I'm just happy. I can't wait to get out of RHS and actually do something with my life though.

i'll taste the sky and feel alive again

Lately I've been so happy. I still am. I recently discovered how awkward I really am, but I like it. I'm grounded till Monday, it sucks. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed out until 2:30 AM, but hopefully I'll be let off grounding for tomorrow and Friday, because of the pep rally & going to see Where the Wild Things Are with Sean.

Life is just really good lately. School is still stressing me out, but it happens I guess. Everything else is suprisingly good, I'm really figuring my shit out lately, and that's a good thing.

pardon me while i burst into flames

I don't really know where to go from here.

so sick and tired of being sick and tired

I'm sick of everything and everyone.

you never said this would be simple

I need someone that works with me this time. I'm done settling for whatever is in front of me. I always seem to be attracted to jerks or manwhores. This time I want someone good. Someone who cares for me, just like I care for them. Maybe even someone to fall in love with, I'd like that. I haven't felt that in so long.

Lately I feel so alone. I don't know why, I mean I was actually happy being alone a few days ago, now I just want someone. It might take a while, but finding someone good will be worth the wait.

colder weather

Its finally Autumn, and things are changing. But I don't think its for the better. The colder weather makes me think a lot more, about everything. And I just want summer again, everything was so carefree that last month of summer.

well, this is a surprise

It was nice talking to you today. It really was.

we all have something that digs at us

Its early mornings like this that makes me thing- 'What could have happened?'

I don't really understand why I still think that, I shouldn't. I don't want to. Your everything I don't need; your everything that could destroy me. But I think of all those old times, when you were well, you were you. But I realized, those old times are over. Me and you, we're over. And I'm starting to realize its better that way.

I'm happy again, I'm okay. And I know I'll keep being okay. No matter how much I think about it, I know its the best thing. I'm opening up new chapters in my life, and I'm almost glad to say your not in any of them. Maybe someday along the road we'll talk again, be friends. Who knows, who really cares? I don't, and that's fine.

I'm serious this time.

interlude

It seems I'm losing a handle on my life lately.

I hate rumors and how things get twisted so badly.

i'm coming down, bring me up

The last time I remember being this happy was in June. It all seems so long ago. Sometimes I'll think about it and I don't even know what happened. Everything was just together back then, and then it all fell apart. Sometimes the memories come flooding back, and I'm not quite sure why. I wonder if they flood back for you too. That'd be nice if they did, so I'd know I'm not the only one who misses it.

Sometimes I tell myself we should just be together again, that we'd be great together. But, I know that's not how it would work. We're different now; Like oil and water. We'd never work, no matter how hard either of us tried. So I let go, I let go of everything holding me to you, and I guess it worked. Sometimes I'm not over it still- I never put so much of myself into someone until I met you. I still don't think that part of me is fully back, maybe you'll hold onto it forever, or maybe you'll just throw it back to me and get rid of anything that makes you remember me. Who knows.


All I know now, is that I'm happy. And being happy without you is almost better than being happy with you. Almost.

here's to the future, never getting older

Life's just kindof...happening lately.

Usually I've been really good and everything, but I still get those lows sometimes. Hopefully everything just keeps going well, I could use a break from living a crazy hectic life.

midnight on the mediterranean

Everything is just kindof flowing lately. There's a few bumps in the road, but hey, I'm happy, even when things are bad. I've grown up a lot lately, and I figured out what I need to do to just feel good. I still make mistakes, everyone does obviously, but I'm starting to learn from them. I just hope life just stays like this for a little while. No need to rush back to being unstable

we're seperate; diving further

I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything is getting so much harder this year. I fuck up constantly, I just don't know how to get myself on the right track anymore. I mean, I'm always with a good group of people, I don't drink or smoke or anything. But when it comes to being home and stuff, I just hate going home. My home life has gotten so bad lately, and I want it to get better, but I don't even know if its even worth it anymore. In two years I'll be out and in college, but I don't think I can wait that long. I just want to get out and have freedom. Isn't this the time where I should be getting that? I know I'm not 18 yet, but still, I have about as much freedom as an 11 year old. I just don't know. Ever since Justin broke up with me, everythings just harder. And I want it to get better.

maybe i'll paint them in myself

I thought about it today. I mean really, really thought about it. And I have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. Things need to change.

if blood is thicker than water

I'm letting myself go. I'm going to try not to care anymore. Maybe, just maybe, this will work.

open your eyes to a brand new season

Your bad news bears. I need to get over you.

But I'm actually looking forward to autumn and winter. I need a change of scenery. Maybe everything will just get better, you know?

this sick strange darkness, comes creeping on so haunting everytime

I'm not sure what makes me miss you. Maybe its how I remember your arms around me or all those days we spent together. Its getting colder now, and I feel like somethings missing- your missing. I know nothing will ever happen again, but I just can't help but wishing something will.

I mean, there's periods of time where I don't think about you and I don't miss you at all, but then all of a sudden, I just start thinking about you; thinking about us and what we used to have. I replay all the memories in my head, and I just can't stop thinking if that will ever happen again. Knowing my luck, it won't. And I know it shouldn't happen, you've changed to much, your a person I don't even know anymore. It seems all you care about now is being cool and having sex and girls all over you. I don't know what happened to you, I just wish it didn't. But there's still some times where I can see the old you, the person I know, maybe that's what makes me miss you.

fuck this

I can't believe I ever fell for you and I can't believe I still want to be with you.

Fuck you asshole

i hate to say, you're so much more, you're so much more

Sometimes I can't help but miss you. I don't understand why all these feelings are flooding back when I thought they were gone. I mean, I really thought they were gone this time since you treat me like shit and completely hate me. I don't know, but they need to go away again

there is no parasol that could shelter this weather

School was actually alright. It was awkward when I saw him though, but I realized I don't need someone who wants to treat me like shit. But all in all, school was really good, and I'm glad I got to see people I've hardly seen this summer, and I have pretty good classes too. So school is least of my worries.

I've noticed lately that my feelings confuse me so much. I don't know what to make of them anymore. Ever since my feelings for him started fading away little by little, I've had feelings for other people, but I don't think anything will come from them. I don't know if I want anything to come from them. Maybe I'm not ready for anything else, maybe be being alone is good for me. I want to be alone, but then again I don't. Its just nice to have feelings for someone who cares and likes you as much as you like and care about them. But I won't settle for just anyone.

This could take a while...

time

Everything is getting so blown out of proportion. I don't want summer to end and I don't want to go back to school, but at least I don't have to worry about that for another week. I'm trying to not think about anything really but you always get to my mind, especially in these early morning hours. But I guess I just need to deal.

Tonight was good, and tomorrow should be so much fun. I just need to concentrate on spending time with good people and just wait and see whats gonna happen.

its been so long

Its been two months since that day. I'm kinda just a wreck today. I'm a little ticking time bomb waiting for something to just make me crack. Why did you have to do that two months ago?

obliviate

I'm trying to forget everything that happened between me and him, just like he did. To put it simply, its not working very well.

Hammonasset

I'm finally getting outta this town for a few weeks. Everything has just been a mess lately. Maybe getting out of here will help me think everything out and maybe help me get over it / him.

Everyday I just fall more in love with the kid, and everyday he tells me that he's moved on and I should to, but to take my time with it. Its been nine days, I don't even know why I have to love him more. I just want another chance. I mean would it kill him that much.

I don't know, I don't even know

~

I don't even know what to do anymore. Its only been eight days, and I'm falling apart more than ever. Every day I just start to love him more and he just starts to love me less. I just can't take it anymore. I tell myself I'm over him, but I know I'm just lying to myself to make myself feel better. And he tells me not to lie to myself and to take my time in the process of getting over him, but I don' want to get over him yet, I just feel like something could happen. But what do I know, I'll probably just get even more hurt.

I'm a mess

Everythings changing and I feel like I've been left in the past. All I can ever think about is him and how he doesn't even love me anymore and the fact that as soon as July 23 comes around, he's just gonna find someone else.

I can't stop being miserable. I try to tell myself I'm over him and I know I'm lying. I don't even pretend to be happy anymore, there's no point in putting on a smile and acting like everythings okay.

I'm a mess

.

Nothings getting easier, when he promised it would. I hate this so much

/

Everything reminds me of him, wtf. I hate this feeling

-

Everyone's a letdown

Dead

I've never felt this way in my life. I seriously feel like I could die at any moment. I have no emotion whatsoever besides being miserable. Whenever I think about it I literally feel sick to my stomach, like I'm gonna pass out or throw up or something. Who breaks up with you after saying 'I love you and I don't want to break up', but then ten minutes later changes their mind.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I put way too much of myself into the relationship, that I never know how I'm gonna feel whole again. I sound so cliche and stupid, because this is all over a boy, but I don't think I ever loved anyone that much.

I just hate everything

I hate this

I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay with you out, but I know I'm lying to myself

This entry is dead

Its finally summer. Maybe now everything won't stress me out. I can finally relax and not have to deal with shit that I really don't care about. I'll be at my favorite place in the world in nine days, and then when I get back I'll just spend a lot of time with Justin probably, and maybe he'll even come down to visit me when I'm gone (: Since I'll be gone pretty much all of July, including his birthday. But he did promise he'd come down at least once for a few days, which makes me really happy. I just hope nothing bad happens before that, ya know?

I like how I had no intentions to turn this blog into one about my boyfriend, yet I did.

^ At my favorite place in the world

Ups & downs

I can't take this shit anymore, I'm continuously up and down. I hate this rollar coaster. And depsite all the downs, I'm usually up, but not anymore.

Finally

Everything is getting so much better

Surprise, Surprise

I'm completely content with my life again.
Everything has just gotten better, well, almost everything. Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I spent all day with my best friend since it was his birthday; Then out of nowhere, someone who I thought hated me more than anything and wanted nothing to do with me anymore, texted me, saying we should stop the awkward in person shit. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. This person hasn't been in my life for what, seven months? But now everything just seems better. Now I don't have problems with anymore and I have someone to talk to about stuff, since he knows me and gives some mucho great advice.

Now all I need is to just work on one aspect of my life, and I should be good.

In Fear & Faith

I have great friends, an obnoxiously great boyfriend, and a pretty good family. But it seems that I'm pushing them away just because I'm stupid sometimes. I shouldn't feel like this when my life is so great, ya know? But I still do and I hate it.

I just wanna go back to being the happiest I ever was.

Even though it was only a few weeks ago, it seems like its been forever. And I don't want it to seem like forever. I want to be happy now.

And ya know what else? I miss the old days, where everyone got along, and there was no hate, and everything was just so together. Since January it hasn't felt like that. I'm just getting more distant from the people that I used to be so close with. Like one person I'm okay with not being close with anymore ; He would just fuck up my life, and I don't need that. But like my old best friends, I just want them back. They meant everything to me and now it seems like I've changed, and they've changed. Some of them have moved and others have just gotten distant, and we hardly even talk anymore. Man, last year was so much easier. It seems the only good thing about this year is Justin. He just makes it easier when I feel bad about everything.

But who knows, I'll just have to take life as it comes at me.

It just is

I haven't written in a while. I don't really know what to say.

Everythings falling apart all over again. I mean everythings going fine, but it all seems to be falling apart. Who knows, maybe I'm just a pesstimist. School just needs to get over with and then maybe everything can be okay again, so I can really focus on stuff. I don't want everything to fall apart, then I'd fall apart. I don't even know, I just need to know everything will be okay.

I mean I know it will be, but I just can't help but wonder 'what if', but I do that about everything, so its just me being 'emo' again, as Justin would say.

I'm just so stressed lately, and its not even time for finals. Everything is stressing me out; friends, my boyfriend, school, and just people that I don't even know. Isn't it great?

But it'll get better soon, I know it.

The Past is Dead

Finally, the past is dead. All the pointless shit, the fights and everything is over. There's no need to bring anything up anymore. The words have been said and actions have been done, and none of it even matters anymore. Everyone can finally get over everything, and forget about it. Thank god too, I don't need any of it in my life. And I'm glad all the hard feelings are gone.

All of the unwanted stuff that no one wants to deal with won't have to be dealt with anymore. Everything is finally at peace. Everyone has moved on, made amends, and is finally done with it.

Maybe now things will get back to normal.

Memories

Ya know those things that you want to forget so badly, yet you can't? Yeah, everyone has those. I have a few I wish that could just get out of my head. They make me think about the past, and I just wanna get over with it. And the same even with people I know, like how people can remember everything. I just want all those memories to go away, just so I can finally get on with now. I mean seriously, I'm so sick of having to remember things that I really just want to get out of my head, I don't need it at all. It just brings up bad memories, and starts unwanted shit. I've moved on and everything, sometimes I just wish I could erase my brain and some other peoples brains.

Complications

Last night, was one of the worst nights of my life. I honestly had no idea what was happening. Within minutes I lost someone that I needed. I never knew I could feel like that, I couldn't control myself whatsoever. I know its cliché and every girl says it, but I didn't know what to do, my heart was completely broken. And today in school, everyone stared and me, and if anyone said the littlest thing about him, I would start crying. I could hardly say his name, let alone face him. I know I'm acting all dramatic, and this is on a public blog, but who cares, I bet no one even reads it. But I don't even know, everything in my life just complicated at that moment last night. I didn't know why someone who apparently loved me and cared about me, who still said it, even though it was over would do that, if they really meant it, ya know?

But then when I least expected it, when I was over his house, he wanted to get back together with me. I have no idea why, it just seems like I complicate his life with all my friend drama, and everything that bothers me. But all I know is that I'm lucky, I thought I lost something, but I didn't. I feel like the luckiest person ever actually, and I'm glad that everything is back to normal. And I hope its like this for a while.

Now I know not to take things for granted.

And hopefully I'll be the happiest person ever again.

Distracting myself

Lately everythings been a blur. Everything is pretty much going great, ya know, minus fighting with people I love. Today I realized that I really can't stand half the people I know / have heard of. Seriously, I never realized how full of dislike I am. I'm so sick of everyone bitching about everything to everyone, even though I do that sometimes, who knows, maybe I can't stand myself. And then there's those certain people who I would do anything to get them out of my life. One of them I know like the back of my hand, probably more than anyone knows them, and they just literally make me sick with how fucked up he is. The other I hardly know, I just hear stuff about them and see what they try to do to me. I hate it so much. Everything just needs to go back to normal, like when I didn't feel so hateful against everyone else. But it'll probably be better soon, who knows, I'm just wishing for it. But I'll stop bitching, so I won't be a complete hypocrite.

Hey, but at least I have some of those great people who I love more than anything. Without them, I'd be insane, completely and totally insane.

Lazy Sunday

I'm never good at expressing myself or anything through writing, and I have no idea why I'm trying on a public blog, not for attention or anything, but who knows. Everything is getting all complicated again. Life is still great and I'm happy, but I just wanna change somethings, ya know? I just wish I wouldn't be so paranoid about things from the past still. I need to learn how to trust people and not care anymore, because I'm at a great point in my life and I know other people aren't going to get in the way of what I have now. I just wish things could be a little different and that some things never happened, for me and for other people.

Ocean air

I just wanna feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the ocean air. I just need to get out of this town and get my ass to Madison.

Lets start over

Everythings changing, when I say everything I mean everything.

I'm done not being able to show my emotions in the right way. I'm done being walked all over because I'm nice to pretty much anyone, and I'm glad. I'm done with the past and everything that happened. And I've finally realized the mistakes I made have actually helped me, and I don't hate myself for then anymore. And now, even though some things are complicated, and there's some people who just need to learn to stop getting into my life, I'm okay with it, everything finally seems perfect again.

And wanna know what else,

You know that feeling when your the happiest person ever?

Well, that's the feeling I have now.

Finally.

New account

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